Chapters: Intro | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08
 



Trying to Explain the Need to Feel

I felt inarticulate when trying to explain to Dr. W. that I seem cut off from my emotions. Often an emotion will hit me three days after the event that triggered it, far too late for an appropriate response. I know intuitively that I need to be more connected. There is a desire to cut through to the heart of the problem, to let the pressure bleed out. Perhaps then I could talk about it.

Dropping frozen memories into the ocean seems a gentle way to thaw them, releasing the emotions now that I am safe to experience them. The safety is the result of several factors; forty years have passed, I have strengths now I didn't have then; there is no longer anyone in my life who would hurt me; I have a compassionate professional to guide and support me. It will be a slow process, with no easy outs allowed. What is pulled apart must be rebuilt using the same memories, now transformed by removal of the toxic residue.


Dream:

I was trapped inside a huge skull made of ice. Big machines were taking sections of the sides and hauling them away to drop into the ocean. I tried to climb up the side and out a hole (the eye?) to avoid the machines. Someone was with me. We got to the ledge near the hole and a man walked towards us. I hoped he would pull us through but I think he was going to push us back. Later in the night I dreamed that my head was smashed in and had to be rebuilt.


Chapters: Intro | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08