Chapters: Intro | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08
 



Guilt

Dr. W. suggested a revolutionary idea, to paint from my own life experience. The idea of painting my life was repellent and frightening to me, but all of the other wells were dry so I decided to try it. We had talked about my feelings of guilt associated with being raped and this became the first image in a narrative of my early life. The secrets that I have kept until now are like bottled poison. The skull and crossbones mark the spot where all of the painful emotions have been stored.

When I was a teenager I had years of tonsillitis, bronchitis and other chest ailments. It was the place in my body where I stored my guilt. I thought I would die if I spoke of it but the silence kept me painfully ill.


Dream:

I was living with 2 women and their older brother, my distant cousins. The brother had been away in the service but we had all lived together as children. When we were young the brother had raped me. I was afraid of him and in dread of seeing him. I noticed that someone had hidden a tape recorder under the blankets on my bed. He came into my room with the intention of raping me again. As he talked to me and I answered, I realized that, on the tape, it would sound like I was agreeable when really I was just defeated. The next morning at the kitchen table, the two sisters were praising their brother and saying how glad they were to have him home. I got very angry and said “Your brother Rrra”. All of a sudden my throat closed up and I couldn’t breath. I fell off my chair clutching my throat. I know if I said it I would die. I resolved in my mind not to say it and was able to begin breathing again.


Chapters: Intro | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08